“There IS an answer to the exhaustive chaos of a triangulated dynamic. Excuse yourself from the triangle and refuse to play. It works every time.” – Unknown
Last week, one of my Seminary classmates was talking about TRIANGULATION—the technical definition is the formation of, or division into triangles. In psychology though, triangulation is a family theory term. If a two-person emotional system is unstable, when under stress it can form itself into a three person system. For example, dad is angry at mom, and their communication is strained. Instead of directly confronting mom about the problem, dad goes to his daughter to talk to her about mom. His daughter feels special because dad has confided in her. Triangulation can be used as a substitute for dad’s direct communication with mom, as a way to get his daughter on his side, or to prompt his daughter to be the third-party messenger and carry what he’s said to mom. The third party, in this case the daughter, has been ‘triangulated’ into the relationship. The daughter’s duty was to refer her dad back to his wife. Triangulation is not limited to family spheres. This unhealthy pattern is seen in the workplace, with friends, and even in churches. Conversations that should be held directly between the conflicted parties become fodder (food) for what the Bible terms backbiting.
“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” (Galatians 5:14-15) Triangulation or backbiting is talking about someone maliciously who is not present. Some triangulations may not go to the level of defamation or slander, but they all extend past the boundary of Jesus’ instructions on how to handle conflict,“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17, NLT) Jesus doesn’t want us to form triangles. He wants us to form a CIRCLE around conflicting parties, speaking truth in loving ways so that relationships are not fractured, but restored.
